


End of a Day

by honeyjamx



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Insomnia, M/M, Overworking, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, also supportive ATEEZ in general but mostly seong, and wholesome friendship, eventual romance but first angst, honghwa, romance isn't the core of this fic but it's there, sad hongjoong, seongjoong, supportive seonghwa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-12-30 16:43:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyjamx/pseuds/honeyjamx
Summary: Hongjoong doesn't know when he started to hate himself.alternatively: Seonghwa takes it upon himself to remind Hongjoong about all the things there is to love about him.





	1. Chapter 1

_None of these are the sound we're going for._

_The lyrics are bland._

_Honestly, we'd probably be better off just using professional composers and songwriters._ _How many drafts have you submitted at this point? Fifteen? Twenty?_

_This is becoming useless._

Hongjoong frowned as the food he had just put in his mouth suddenly became difficult to swallow. He had been trying so hard not to think about the countless meetings he'd had with their producers because he knew it would just put him in a bad mood for the rest of the day, but it was difficult not to. 

He'd known when he got into the industry that not everything he created would be deemed good and that was perfectly okay. Sure, in the moment the rejection hurt; especially after many sleepless nights spent working so hard just for his efforts to be flippantly dismissed in a matter of minutes, but he saw it as a learning experience. He'd take the criticism he received and do better. He would grow.

That's what Hongjoong kept trying to drill into his head in place of self-deprecating thoughts, but it was getting so hard to stay optimistic. Even though he hated the overwhelming insecurity he felt whenever negative thoughts rose up, he was quickly reaching a point where he was too tired to try and fight them.

If he already felt like he was burning out not even a year after their debut, was he really cut out for this kind of career?

Hongjoong sighed, shaking his head as though it would clear his mind. He decided the only thing he could do to put himself in a better state was to get back to his work. Sitting around made him feel even more anxious because it felt like there was so much he still needed to do. So much to improve on. He didn't have time to just be sitting idly.

"Where are you going?" Mingi spoke up when he noticed Hongjoong closing the takeout container that held his barely touched meal.

Mingi and the rest of the members were seated on the practice room floor in a deformed circle of sorts with takeout scattered among them. They were all taking a long due break from rehearsing the choreography that they'd just learned. They had to make the most of the short time off since once the break was over it was from the dance studio to the recording studio until at least 11:00 pm but most likely later.

"I want to see if I can get some editing done before we head over to the studio." Hongjoong explained as he stood up.

Mingi smiled, genuinely impressed by Hongjoong's work ethic. Really, they all were.

"You should eat first." Mingi said in spite of how impressed he was by the leader, "We're all taking a break now."

All of the members worked extremely hard, but unlike Hongjoong they knew when they needed to take a break to recover their energy even if it was only for a few brief moments. Sometimes it became alarming how much Hongjoong immersed himself in his work. It was one thing to have good work ethic and another thing entirely to not know when to stop and rest.

"I'm not even hungry." Hongjoong replied and it wasn't a complete lie.

He had been hungry when they'd sat down to start eating, but his appetite was completely snuffed after remembering the criticism he had received and replaced by his desire to correct his mistakes.

Seonghwa made an incredulous face from where he'd been absently listening to their conversation while he sat leaning against the wall as he ate.

"How? We haven't eaten a proper meal since we left the dorm at like 5:00 AM," he paused to glance at the time on his wristwatch, "and it's nearly four in the afternoon now."

"I've been snacking on granola bars here and there." Hongjoong responded which was another half truth.

Their managers usually packed healthy snacks when they knew the boys would have such a long day ahead of them. The only part that was a lie was that Hongjoong had been eating them throughout the day. He'd really only had half of one then offered the other half to Jongho.

"And you're full off of granola bars? Wow, I wish I had your appetite." Wooyoung commented jokingly.

Everyone seemed to accept Hongjoong's explanation so he raised his hand in a short wave, "I'm gonna go edit in the waiting room so there's less noise. I'll eat and take a proper rest when we get back to the dorm."

"Will you?" Seonghwa spoke up, meeting Hongjoong's eyes.

The leader frowned at the accusing tone in Seonghwa's voice. "Huh?"

"Will you rest later?"

"Yeah, of course."

Hongjoong hadn't said that with the intention of lying. He knew he needed to rest at some point and after their set schedule for the day seemed like the best time to do so. That's the reason even he himself didn't understand why he was still awake at 2:40 am, listening over the beats he had been editing since they'd returned the dorm. He was sitting up in his bed on his laptop with his earphones in. He was in complete darkness aside from the light from the laptop screen because his roommate, Seonghwa, was asleep in the bunk above him. 

Of course, Seonghwa hadn't gone to bed without stating his protests about Hongjoong staying up so late when they had another early morning the next day.

_"You're not going to be able to perform well if you don't give yourself at least a bit of time to rest. You've already done more than enough for one day." he'd said, eyeing Hongjoong disdainfully from where he was standing by the closet putting on his pajamas._

_"I will rest," Hongjoong assured him, "I just want to finish this first."_

_"That's what you said an hour ago. It's past midnight now."_

_"Just a bit more."_

_Seonghwa sighed in frustration, but said nothing else. Hongjoong was painfully stubborn so regardless of what Seonghwa said the younger wouldn't stop until he was satisfied with what he had created._

And now over two hours after that mild argument, Hongjoong was still awake. By then he was feeling both mentally and physically exhausted and unable to make anymore progress. He felt like his thoughts were dragging by in slow motion and nothing he was coming up with was even remotely decent.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered how late it was and that Seonghwa was definitely right that their schedules for the day would be extremely difficult if he didn't sleep soon, but he wanted so badly to make something  _good_. Something that wasn't a failure. Something that wouldn't make his higher ups just sigh as if they'd reached a point where they expected to be disappointed. 

Hongjoong couldn't remember how he'd done it before. How had he composed the previous songs for ATEEZ? Was it because he'd been in a better state of mind at that time? Or had he just already rung himself dry of the small amount of talent he had? He could feeling anxiety and pressure building as his mind began to race and he was so zoned out that he jumped in surprise when he suddenly heard a voice interrupt his spiraling thoughts.

"Hongjoong?" Seonghwa called out, his voice low and raspy.

Hongjoong remained silent for a moment, wondering if Seonghwa was just speaking in his sleep. He couldn't imagine what could've possibly woken him up considering Hongjoong had been very careful not to make noise.

"I know you're still awake. I can see the light from your laptop. Go to bed." the older said tiredly, but sternly in a way that left no room for opposition.

If Hongjoong had the energy he would've have argued, but he was worn out; not only by his work, but by his thoughts. He was grateful that Seonghwa had pulled him out of them so for once he complied.

He closed his laptop and took out his earphones, placing them both on the floor next to his bed. He laid down and closed his eyes, pulling his covers up to his chin. He tried to fall asleep. 2:52 am became 3:30 am then 4:04 am. Time passed, but sleep refused to come. His mind was racing again, but the usefulness of his thoughts had disappeared and was replaced with only harsh self-scrutiny.

Hongjoong felt his heart sink when dim light began to fill the room from the cracks of the blinds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! pls leave kudos and comment what you think so far if you wanna!
> 
> -alex


	2. Chapter 2

Hongjoong groaned when the shoulder he had been resting his head on nudged him awake.

Slowly and very,  _very_  reluctantly he forced his heavy eyelids open to find that Seonghwa had been the culprit. They were alone in the back of one of the vans they traveled in for group outings and after he'd blinked away the tiredness from his eyes he realized they were in a parking garage.

"We have to head in now if we're gonna have time to freshen up. We've got half an hour." Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong frowned at Seonghwa in confusion for a moment, the drowsiness of having just woken up from what felt like too short of a nap still fogging his mind. The last thing he remembered was that all the members and some of their staff were going out to grab breakfast at a restaurant they frequented which would be followed by a fan meeting. He couldn't remember ever having to park in a garage when they visited the restaurant.

"We're at the fan meet. You fell asleep on the way to the restaurant and I figured it'd be best to let you nap for as long as possible since you haven't been sleeping. The others got us takeout though so we can eat after the meet." Seonghwa explained, seeming to have read the younger's puzzled expression.

"You stayed with me the whole time?"

"Of course."

Hongjoong's frown deepened at the information. He was supposed to be the leader. He couldn't be the one dragging behind. Because of him Seonghwa couldn't even enjoy something as simple as a meal with the others.

"Please wake me up next time." Hongjoong requested as he unfastened his seat belt, his grogginess being replaced by irritation with himself.

He moved to reach for the door handle, but was stopped by Seonghwa taking hold of his wrist.

"You know none of us would get on your ass about you taking a nap. If you need to take a break, take a break." he said when Hongjoong looked back at him questioningly.

"I'm fine. You don't have to worry this much."

"Joong..." Seonghwa began hesitantly as though he didn't want to say the words that would follow but knew he had to, "I understand you're having a difficult time and you probably feel overwhelmed, but how you're coping isn't healthy. Working yourself to the bone won't get you anywhere. It's weighing you down."

 _How the hell could you possibly understand? What the fuck do you know about repeatedly having days and nights of hard work being shredded apart right in front of your eyes like it's nothing? What do you know about any of this?_ Hongjoong wanted to scream, his pent up frustration trying to claw its way to the surface. He forced himself take a deep breath. He didn't want to say all the hurtful words at the tip of his tongue that he didn't even mean. It would've been so easy to just tear Seonghwa down in that moment; to be cruel-- but Hongjoong knew better. He wasn't going to purposefully hurt anyone else just because he was in a bad place. He refused to be that kind of person.

He sighed as he settled back in his seat though he didn't look at Seonghwa, instead focusing his eyes on his own lap.

"I just... we're all doing well so far, yet all of a sudden I can't create anything that isn't absolute shit and I'm getting frustrated over small things that should be basic." Hongjoong admitted begrudgingly.  _Things that wouldn't be so difficult if I was actually cut out for this._

"Hey," Seonghwa said with a gentle voice, "don't belittle your work or your feelings. You're allowed to be frustrated. It's all part of the process of creating. I'm sure you know that better than me. If you want to feel better you have to start with acknowledging that you're having a hard time and that's okay."

And just like that, Hongjoong felt even worse. Thinking about the harsh things he had almost spat at Seonghwa who was only trying to help only affirmed him what a shitty person he believed he was.

He looked up to finally meet Seonghwa's eyes. They showed a kind of gentle concern that made Hongjoong's chest tighten with something akin to guilt. He hated being the reason Seonghwa was so worried when he knew Seonghwa probably already had so many of his own concerns and didn't need Hongjoong adding to them.

"You're over analyzing the situation, hyung. I'll get over it. You don't need to pamper me like this." Hongjoong assured him along with the most convincing smile he could muster up.

Seonghwa made a face. If Hongjoong thought Seonghwa insisting he tend to his basic human needs like sleeping was 'pampering' then it just made it even more obvious that something was wrong.

"Come on," Hongjoong added before the older could retort, "you said yourself that we have to head in now if we want time to freshen up."

Seonghwa looked like everything in him wanted to argue, but it wasn't the time-- especially not when Seonghwa knew it was an argument he would probably lose. Hongjoong would just continue to insist that he was fine and that Seonghwa was merely  _over analyzing_ him. It would only put both of them in a bad mood and neither of them wanted to go out to meet their fans on such a note. So Seonghwa temporarily put aside his attempts to rationalize with Hongjoong about his unhealthy behavior.

* * *

It was easier for Hongjoong to put on a smile for their unassuming fans. They only knew the bright and confident Hongjoong he always showed them so he didn't need to try to overcompensate like he did with his members who could easily see through his fake smiles. For a short while, he could truly delude himself into feeling like everything was perfectly okay.

He was all grins and hearty laughs, giving the fans energy he didn't even know he had. The fan meet went by smoothly and it wasn't until they were back in the dorm that Hongjoong's fatigue came down on his shoulders, feeling a tenth fold more intense than it had been prior to the meet.

He knew his body needed to rest; he could feel it in every fibre of his being. His limbs were heavy and just keeping his eyes open was a battle in itself. Despite that, his mind needed to move in order to push back anxiety and insecurities that would otherwise keep him up all night long anyway. Somehow testing his physical limits seemed more promising than being trapped in a maze of negative thoughts so he pulled out one of his notebooks to work on lyrics. He didn't think his eyes would be able to handle being glued to his laptop screen while he composed for who knows how many hours.

It was only a little past 7:00 in the evening. The other members were elsewhere in the dorm most likely relaxing in one way or another, rightfully so. Hongjoong could only hope that his physical exhaustion would creep up on him while he wrote and forcibly put him to sleep before his anxieties threatened any chances of him having a restful night. He laid in bed on his stomach, pencil in hand and notebook resting on his pillow.

Hongjoong had only written a few lines before he felt sleep starting to overwhelm him much sooner than he had expected. His thoughts became more and more muddled until they were nearly incoherent and the gibberish he wrote reflected it. His eyes were just beginning to close when he was suddenly snapped out of it by his bedroom door swinging open and San poking his head into the room inquisitively.

"We were all wondering what you were doing in here alone. We thought you might've been sleeping, but I guess we should have figured otherwise." he explained when Hongjoong looked up and raised a brow at him.

"Did you need something?" the older asked, sitting up with his eyes lowered as he tried to ignore the disapproval in San's words.

It was already overwhelming getting lectured by Seonghwa, but it was only natural for the oldest member to dote on him so Hongjoong had to to accept it would probably always happen. San on the other hand... Hongjoong wasn't ready to be lectured by even one of the younger members.

"I have some cake, but it's sort of a lot. Care to share with me?" San offered, stepping into the room to reveal he was holding a small white box in one hand and a fork in the other.

San didn't miss the subtle signs of disdain on Hongjoong's face when he gave the younger his attention, but he took it with ease. He'd more or less expected the reaction. They all knew Hongjoong wasn't too keen about being interrupted while he was immersed in writing. Still, San sat down on the edge of Hongjoong's bunk, opening the box so he could cut a piece of the single-serve red velvet cake with the edge of his fork. He held it out to Hongjoong who opened his mouth to receive the dessert.

Even though the disruption wasn't exactly welcome-- especially when Hongjoong had been so close to falling asleep-- his heart warmed at the gesture. It wasn't a secret that Hongjoong had a sweet tooth and San thinking to share with him was touching.

The cake was delicious. The fluffy red velvet practically melted in Hongjoong's mouth, coating his tongue with it's sugary goodness. It was extremely sweet which was perfect for a sugar addict like Hongjoong but terrible for someone like San who would grimace if a fruit was too sweet.

"Thank you. It's really delicious but..." Hongjoong said slowly, eyeing San suspiciously as the younger took a bite of the cake himself, "you don't even like stuff like this."

San paused for a moment before nodding as he swallowed, wrinkling his nose at the taste. There was no point in lying about it. For him, the cake was just painfully sugary and had too much chocolate for his liking.

"Yeah," he admitted, "Seonghwa-hyung sent me. He thought you might get irritated if it was him since he's been on your case lately."

Before Hongjoong could contemplate the revelation San spoke up again quickly. "Anyways, you've been working so hard. It's nice to treat yourself a bit when you've been doing so well."

 _Doing well? That's debatable,_  Hongjoong thought, but he murmured a quiet, "Thanks..."

"It's great how much effort you're putting into preparing for our next comeback, but don't forget your health is important in all this. I know you probably don't want to hear it from me because you're older and you're the leader and blah, blah, blah... but you don't need to struggle on your own, hyung. We're a team for a reason." San continued.

Hongjoong smiled a bit at that. "You also put milk before cereal. I can't bring myself to listen to someone that thinks that's okay."

San rolled his eyes playfully, punching Hongjoong in the arm and practically whining, "I'm trying to be serious here."

"Okay, okay. Thank you, San."

San's response was a bright grin as he stuck the fork in the middle of the cake and handed the box over to Hongjoong. He got up to leave Hongjoong to his writing, but was stopped by the older speaking up.

"By the way, uh... where even is hyung?" Hongjoong asked.

It had been unusual when the eldest member hadn't immediately come into their room to take a nap after they returned from their schedules like he usually did before waking up for a late dinner. Hongjoong thought maybe he just had more energy than usual that day, but that had clearly been incorrect. Seonghwa was avoiding Hongjoong because he didn't want to be bothersome.

 _I'm horrible,_ Hongjoong thought. It was painful to know Seonghwa was so concerned about him when he had done nothing to deserve it. All he'd done was worry the older then make him feel like he was part of the problem. 

"He's watching TV in the living room. Want me to get him?" San offered and Hongjoong shook his head, standing up to follow San out after placing the cake down on his nightstand.

"No, it's cool. I'll go there."

"Alright." San replied with a shrug.

They walked together towards the living room until San parted ways to go into his own room that he shared with Yunho. When Hongjoong got to the living room he found Seonghwa alone laying on the couch under a blanket.

Seonghwa looked up when he heard the quiet footsteps, immediately looking sheepish when he saw Hongjoong.

"I heard there's someone here who's concerned about me." Hongjoong noted softly, his voice tentative as he walked over to sit on the couch by Seonghwa's feet.

"I should've told San not to mention I sent him." Seonghwa responded awkwardly with a nervous laugh.

"I'm sorry."

Seonghwa's eyebrows raised in surprise at Hongjoong's sudden apology. Only then did he meet the younger's eyes and notice how remorseful he looked.

 _"You're_  sorry?" Seonghwa asked in confusion. If anything, he thought he was the one who should've been apologizing for pressing Hongjoong so much.

"Yeah," Hongjoong confirmed with a slow nod, "I'm sorry for making you worry and then giving you shit for caring."

"You never gave me shit. You just got distant."

"Which is just as bad if not worse. We're supposed to be a team. I of all people shouldn't be acting distant with you guys."

Hongjoong registered the truth in his own words as they were leaving his mouth, yet it was a difficult truth to internalize. It was one thing to say he would try rely on the others more. It was a whole other thing to actually do it without feeling guilty for burdening them.

"Stop feeling bad." Seonghwa scolded lightly, nudging Hongjoong's side with his foot. "I didn't get you cake so you feel bad for getting closed off. It was supposed to cheer you up a bit."

"It did cheer me up. Thank you, hyung." he said, but he still sounded solemn making it clear he still felt bad.

Seonghwa chuckled, rolling his eyes. "If I didn't see how you were acting before I wouldn't believe this is an improvement. Anyway, I know how you can make it up to me."

Hongjoong perked up a bit at that. "How?"

"Let's hang out tomorrow. Just us. It's been a while."

Hongjoong blinked.

He'd already planned out how he wanted to spend their day off which included trying to finalize two more tracks and having them reviewed by some of the professional producers and lyricists under KQ. If he was fortunate enough to finish the tracks by noon, he could have them reviewed before evening so he could follow up with editing-- assuming they wouldn't just be dismissed as low quality  _again_. At least even if they were deemed absolute trash, if he had them reviewed sooner he'd have more time to try and create something better.

"Okay, I didn't want to guilt trip you but if your plans for tomorrow include work you better cancel. We don't have to hang out or anything, but you're not allowed to work. That's the only way you can make it up to me." Seonghwa stated firmly, shooting Hongjoong a stern look that made the younger grimace.

 _I haven't even done anything to deserve a break. It would just be a waste of an opportunity to get ahead,_  Hongjoong wanted to say, but he knew it'd be pointless since Seonghwa believed otherwise.

"I--" Hongjoong tried, only to stop himself when he saw the sadness that began to contort Seonghwa's expression at Hongjoong's reluctance.

For a moment the younger had to re-evaluate what was more important to him. Seonghwa or getting ahead with his work? It was easier to decide when he put it that way because the obvious answer made it hard to deny Seonghwa's request.

"Okay." Hongjoong relented.

"Seriously?" Seonghwa asked, looking like a child who'd just been told they were finally going to Disneyland after begging their parents for months on end.

"Yeah, we can hangout tomorrow."

Seonghwa grinned, his expression brighter than dozens of suns combined. For that kind of reaction, Hongjoong supposed it was a worthwhile agreement. Anyways, he could pull an all nighter to work on the tracks afterwords. It wasn't everyday that they had an entire day off to spend together doing as they pleased.

"You should probably sleep soon if you'll have any energy for tomorrow. You look like you're about to die." Seonghwa noted.

"Uh, I was kind of trying but..." Hongjoong said, fading off when he realized he didn't exactly want to try and explain the demons that were constantly threatening his sleep.

Seonghwa responded by lifting up one side of the blanket he was under and motioning for Hongjoong to join him.

"We can talk until you fall asleep. Maybe then your anxiety won't have a chance to get to you." Seonghwa offered.

Hongjoong didn't need to ask how Seonghwa knew he was kept up by anxiety nor could he bother trying to deny it. When he thought about it, he realized it only made sense that Seonghwa would know. He was always silently observant even though he didn't always voice it.

Hongjoong scooted forward and laid down in the small space Seonghwa had created. The older didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around him after pulling the blanket back over the both of them. Even then, he still paused to give Hongjoong a chance to express any discomfort. Hongjoong was the least physically affectionate of all the members and would redden at the most simple skinship, but that time Hongjoong didn't protest. He just melted into Seonghwa's hold.

"So have you had any time for painting lately? I miss getting personalized knick-knacks." Seonghwa said.

He could tell that talking about how Hongjoong felt would have only stressed the leader out more in that moment. Some feelings just couldn't be talked better and even if they could be, Seonghwa wouldn't have known what to say. He'd expended all the reassuring words and gentle encouragement he could use without them losing meaning. All he could do was hold Hongjoong firmly against his body and offer his comfort.

If he could alleviate Hongjoong's burden even slightly, Seonghwa would do whatever he could.

"I haven't, but if you want something so badly we can paint tomorrow." Hongjoong responded, his voice quiet and strained.

It took everything Seonghwa had in him to not ask if the younger was okay because it would only accomplish making him uncomfortable.

It was too much for Hongjoong. All of it was. He didn't deserve the way Seonghwa was holding him against his chest or the way he was trying his best to ensure he wasn't pushing Hongjoong too much. It triggered even more emotions to surface than Hongjoong could handle. He could feel a lump forming in his throat and before he could try to stop it, his body was shaking and his breaths became stuttered as tears forced their way to the surface. God, he felt pathetic. He didn't even know when the tears had built up or why, but he couldn't help the way they flowed without restraint.

Seonghwa threaded his long fingers through Hongjoong's hair, slowly massaging his scalp in a silent attempt to soothe him. When he responded he tried to keep his voice from wobbling in spite of how much his heart was breaking for his bandmate.

"I'm looking forward to it." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is totally a 'calm before the storm' situation so don't get too comfy lol
> 
> i'm sorry it took me a minute to update, but i hope you could enjoy the new chapter! i would love to hear what you think so far if you're down~ thank you for reading <3
> 
> -alex


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